choice

I am worn thin.
I am misplaced.
hot pink pulsating in a sea of blue.
I feel so unlike myself with you.
you being me, of course.
what am I working so hard for?
why am I afraid if my friends find love, they’ll abandon me?
where do I need to be?
why can’t I tell if my emotions are sincere?
when I get like this, I always write how I miss you.
but I don’t think of anyone in particular when I write I miss you.
I think it’s just a feeling that’s best expressed by I miss you.
I feel gross.
I hate shallow minded insolent conversation and obvious compliments.
but I struggle in finding sincerity.
I forget about what’s not in front of me.
just like Jayden did, probably does.
I miss him.
and I’m so frustrated and annoyed.
I turn off my cell.
hide from my facebook
want to talk for eight days over coffee.
and know I’m not deaf.
find a song that fits within the crevasse between my pain and my progress.
I want to talk to people about my weaknesses.
I want to talk to my own mother without obligation.
I want to know I can have whatever I want with happiness.
I want understanding.
completion.
I wrap my head up in this shit because I’m afraid to get real.
just waiting to get real.